Do you often feel tired and weighed down by the responsibility of keeping those around you happy?
Are you someone who puts other people’s opinions before your own wants and desires, believing it will bring you the happiness you deserve?
If you’re nodding in agreement, you may have unwittingly stepped into the world of people-pleasers—whether you realized it or not!
You don’t mind going the extra mile for people’s approval and validation to stay in their good books. Upsetting them is among your worst nightmares. You hold yourself accountable for checking their moods and emotions and often feel burdened with this responsibility. You practically take the onus of almost everything and try to make things go a certain way to ensure everyone around you is happy.
Stop for a while and think: Why do you do this? Can you pinpoint the exact thought that’s driving your actions?
If not, read this article to dive into the problem and discover ways to break free from this pattern.
What Is a People-Pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who yearns for other people’s validation and approval. Their actions are always motivated by the fact that others perceive them. It isn’t something that they consciously do. In fact, it acts as a coping mechanism where people-pleasers derive a sense of security and belongingness from their pleasing behavior. At first, it might not appear to be detrimental, but it can have a severe impact on a person’s self-worth and self-esteem.
At first glance, people who are stuck in people-pleasing behaviors appear to be kind and considerate. But a closer look reveals that their motivation and true intention of practicing pleasing and accepting behavior isn’t coming out of their free will but from an ingrained fear. Their obsessive thinking about not being accepted and losing their place in the family and societal structure is making them fall into this league of people.
So, their true intentions behind their actions make all the difference and separate them from those who have genuinely evolved to be considerate and warm-hearted.
Signs that You Are a People-Pleaser
- You have difficulty saying no to people.
- You take additional responsibilities to keep others happy.
- You compromise your beliefs and values to align yourself with others.
- You experience heightened stress about how others will treat you.
- Despite pleasing others, you feel unfulfilled and resentful from within.
- You feel guilty about prioritizing yourself.
- You often suppress your opinions to suppress conflicts and disagreements.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
People-pleasing is a subtle behavioral trait that can take time to get into the notice. Once you spot it and understand its implications, you are already halfway to reversing it for good. Find out the ways in which you can change your mindset and responses, and soon, you’ll be able to claim your inner peace and vitality.
#1: Set Boundaries
Do you often say yes whenever you want to say no and vice versa? This happens when you don’t establish clear boundaries. It is important we understand that setting clear boundaries is a prerequisite to living a happy and fulfilling life.
When we ignore our needs, wants, and preferences in life, we end up getting stuck in a place where we live upon people’s approval and validation. We think we are doing it all to make ourselves happy and thriving, but deep down, we harbor frustration and resentment. This is a coping mechanism that branches from fear, anxiety, and lack of confidence and needs to be dealt with by cultivating self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing our own needs for genuine happiness and fulfillment.
👉 Pro Tip
Write down three specific boundaries you’d like to set in your personal or professional life and share them with a trusted friend for accountability.
It will help you find practical ways to set your boundaries and build strong grounding.
#2: Don’t Seek External Validation
When we seek outside validation for our deeds and actions, we step into the zone of powerlessness. Understand that maintaining your stand and individuality is of the utmost importance. If you are someone whose actions and decisions are influenced by others, you will never be able to feel the happiness and confidence that you are chasing. Sit and contemplate what underlying thought or insecurity is making you go this way. And once you are able to spot them, try replacing them with more constructive and self-affirming thoughts.
Understand that this behavior was adopted as part of a coping strategy when you weren’t emotionally mature. And now, when you have grown and evolved in so many ways and understand the fluctuations of moods, emotions, and feelings, it is time to take the lead and not let external influences dictate your responses based on fear and insecurities.
#3: Learn to Say No
If you are stuck in the people-pleasing loop, you’ll find it very hard to say no. Observe your responses, and they will tell you how you often get drifted following people’s moods, behaviors, and opinions. To break this loop, you first need to have a solid grounding within yourself. For that, you can start with practicing mindfulness, meditation, and even yoga. They will help you achieve a certain level of groundedness. Once you begin to gain momentum where you can listen to your inner instincts and feelings, you can take the next step of saying no to people whenever it feels necessary for your well-being and personal growth.
When you start with your practice of saying no to people, you might feel uncomfortable in the initial phase, but remember, you are not being rude in any way. In fact, you have taken a step ahead to honor your thoughts and feelings.
#4: Practice Self-Compassion
The next step to move forward in this journey is to practice self-compassion. Take out times when you sit and contemplate your relationship with yourself. Analyze how you have been treating yourself. Are you considerate enough to validate your own needs, preferences, and desires? Are you standing up for yourself in times of conflict and arguments? Are you lending yourself enough support when challenges and obstacles hit your path? Have there been any instances where you abandoned yourself to earn other people’s approval and validation?
When you honestly address these questions, you’ll find the exact spots of your drifted behavior. This reflection allows you to cultivate genuine compassion for yourself, enabling you to respond from a different standpoint. By understanding the roots of your actions, you can shift your perspective and choose healthier, more constructive responses that align with your values and foster personal growth.
#5: Embrace the Power of Self-Affirmation
To correct your people-pleasing behavior, it is crucial that you change your self-condemning thoughts into positive and powerful affirmations. It will condition your mind in a way where you’ll naturally act according to your strengths, beliefs, and values. It will give you the required strength and conviction to stand in your power. Understand that the whole process of transitioning from a people-pleaser to an assertive individual will demand your time and patience.
When you give into this process and dive into the practice of empowering yourself from within, you’ll see a drastic personality change become your way of life. You will no longer lead a life based on other people’s choices; instead, you will live authentically and make decisions that align with your true values and desires.
SHOP ON AMAZONConclusion
Breaking free from the people-pleasing behavior and living authentically demands patience and commitment. When you put yourself in a mindset where you are determined to change your behavior and responses, no barrier can stop you from becoming assertive and self-reliant. Remember, it is okay to stand in your support and prioritize yourself in ways that you want and desire. Taking small steps and actions in the direction of aligning with your own needs and desires will reverse the equation—transforming your life from being driven by others’ expectations to being guided by your authentic self, ultimately leading to greater fulfillment and confidence.
What are the main characteristics that define a people-pleaser according to the article?
