Someone asked me a profound question: “How do you overcome the stress of trying to control what you can’t?”
Initially, I thought—I managed stress through self-care. But this reflection led me down an unexpected path of discovery.
Unlike my previous articles, this is a deeply personal exploration of understanding the complex relationship between stress and self-care and the illusion of control. Traditionally, when I thought of self-care, I viewed it as a means to maintain readiness, healing, and health. However, whenever I communicated my need for self-care, at times, I encountered an unexpected wave of shame from others. This reaction was both confusing and frustrating. Gradually, I began to internalize these responses, viewing self-care as a selfish act that offered nothing to others.
The turning point came after hitting rock bottom—inadequate resilience levels, erratic heart rate variability, and sleepless nights revealed how removing self-care had eroded my armor against stressors.
During a passing conversation with a colleague, they reminded me of the fundamental importance of self-preservation. I thought they were talking about selfishness and self- centeredness, but I was wrong. They drew an intriguing parallel to how survivalists use preservatives to extend food longevity, jokingly extending this to our preservative-laden American food supply. While the comparison to processed food was said jokingly, it sparked a revelation: perhaps self-care becomes more palatable when reframed as “Personal Preservation.” We contemplated how we might “add preservatives” to our mental health through intentional self-care, nurturing our bodies, and enhancing our overall well-being.
I Identify as Human
We are all wonderful balls of confusion, contradiction, and responsibility. I sometimes identify as a professional, parent, caregiver, or leader. Mostly I identify as human. For professionals like myself, time blocking has been an effective tool in managing workload and avoiding burnout. Mindful movement at my desk has also helped reduce tension and improve focus throughout the day. Delegating tasks to trusted teammates has lightened my load and empowered them to thrive without me.
As a parent, I have learned the value of dedicating time to personal activities through a self-care schedule. Family meetings have also become a helpful tool in navigating stressors and finding solutions together. For individuals with chronic illness—like myself—pain management techniques such as meditation and physical therapy, as well as finding a supportive community, have been crucial in managing stress.
However, the most important lesson I have learned is that life will always be unpredictable, and attempting to control every aspect of it is futile. Instead, I have learned to embrace chaos, be like water, and respond with resilience. To me, it’s like conducting an orchestra—you can guide, but you can’t control every instrument. Still, you can learn to dance with the music and find harmony amidst the chaos.
The Illusion of Control
As I learn and grow through this, I am constantly reminded of the aspects out of my control and those that are. To be honest, this experience is humbling and overwhelming at times.
Ultimately, it has taught me valuable lessons about the power of perspective and the importance of focusing on what I can change rather than what I can’t.
Over time, I’ve learned that control is an illusion, an egoic effort to protect me from pain and unease. The desire to control is rooted in fear and uncertainty. That’s what things outside our control show: the world’s uncertainty.
We cannot control every aspect of everything, we can’t control others, and we can’t even control ourselves fully (try digesting your food; let me know the outcome). There are a few things we can control with effort. One thing that is always within my control is my perceptions and behavior, and when I put my mind to it, my breath. I have learned to center myself before responding in moments of stress or chaos. For some people, taking a deep breath can be triggering. I’m one of them. So, I watch my breath and exhale longer than I inhale. Small action, right, yet this has altered how I handle challenging situations.
One aspect I control in my life is where I direct my energy. Growing up, I didn’t believe in the concept of being energy beings, but during my journey in medical neuroscience, I learned about the intricacies and importance of our bioelectric system. Our brain, heart, and bones are all connected and impacted by energy, whether it’s positive or negative. Once I understood this, I consciously tried to be intentional about where I direct my energy. This includes how I move my body, manage negative thoughts (or ANTs), and choose what and who I give my heart. Both physical and mental energy are important considerations.
Don’t Go Chasing Comets
Although thoughts can feel uncontrollable at times, we ultimately have power over how we respond to them. I once heard an analogy that compares thoughts to comets passing through our minds; if we attach ourselves to them, we’ll be taken on a wild ride to wherever the comet is headed. But if we simply observe the thought, acknowledge it, appreciate it, or let it go, we can choose how to respond. This gives us the power to decide which thoughts hold dominion over us and which ones we can release. This realization has profoundly impacted me as I actively work on shifting negative thought patterns into more positive ones. This one seems evident regarding actions, but sometimes, we forget that our actions are entirely up to us. We can make choices and decisions that align with our values and goals.
Language is essential in our lives. We influence others with our words while also shaping our perceptions and beliefs. If we are mindful of how we communicate, we can create healthier experiences for ourselves and those around us. Setting goals is another aspect within our control. While external factors may interfere with reaching those goals, ultimately, it is up to us whether or not we take action to achieve them.
Respond Not React
Challenges are inevitable in life – big or small – but how we respond to them is entirely within our control. We have the power to choose whether we let challenges defeat us or if we choose to thrive. Here are some tips.
- Time Blocking: Schedule specific time slots for tasks. Manage workload and avoid feeling overwhelmed.
- Mindful Breathing at Your Desk: Take deep breaths throughout the day to reduce tension and improve focus.
- Delegate Tasks: Lighten your workload.
For Parents:
- Self-Care Schedule: Dedicate time for personal activities to recharge.
- Family Meetings: Discuss stressors and find solutions together.
- Mindful Parenting: Be present and respond to children’s needs calmly.
Pain Management Techniques:
- Introspection.
- Lean into pain instead of running away from it.
- Support Groups: Find the people that “Get you”.
- Use Adaptation Strategies: Alter routines to accommodate your needs.
Despite how you identify, remember that there are always factors beyond our control. By reframing self-care practices and intentionally implementing them into our lives, we can find personal preservation and build our resilience against stressors. We can learn to thrive in times of chaos.
Resources:
- https://www.snexplores.org/article/electric-body-brain-heart-bone
- Video Summary: How I Manage My Time – 10 Time Management Tips by Ali Abdaal.
https://learnsmarter.ai/resources/how-i-manage-my-time-10-time-management-tips-video-summary/
How does Dr. Justin James Kennedy describe the relationship between stress and self-care?
