Building and Breaking habits – a prerequisite to creating change in our lives
Have you ever made a New Year’s resolution? Have you ever broken one? You are not alone!
Around 80% of the millions of promises made around the world on 31st of December each year are gone out the window by February.
In my last Kokoro piece I introduced you to Tech-Life Balance and how changed tech habits can have a massive impact on your life and wellbeing. Before going deeper on that topic, I want to share my view on how we can build sustainable habits. You can use this for any habits you want. I will mainly refer to building habits, but it can just as well be about breaking habits. I often refer to health related habits, simply because these are typically the most common for people to want to work on.
“The quality of your life depends on the quality of your habits.”
-James Clear
Habits are a foundation in creating lasting change, and research from Duke University suggests that habits account for about 40 percent of our behaviors on any given day. So if you want to get more delightful moments in life, then habits are a good place to start!
What is a habit really and why do we have them?
A habit can be defined as [a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up], or simply put – a usual way of behaving, something that a person does often, in a regular way. Habits are something that we learn, not something that we do by nature. Breathing is not a habit, while brushing our teeth is a habit.
Habits are our brain’s way of increasing it’s efficiency. Once we do something often enough, our brain turns that action or behavior into a habit so we can perform it without much thought, and thereby free up brain capacity for other things. Just imagine what it would be like if we had to make a conscious choice and decide whether we wanted to brush our teeth every morning and evening – it would be exhausting!
Every time we think something or do something there is a chemical reaction in the brain. I think of this amazing cluster, the neural pathways and our habits and behavior patterns, as trails across a field: the first time we do something it requires a lot of energy, it’s like walking across the field and there´s high grass and weeds. But everytime we repeat this action or behavior, everytime we walk the same path across the field, it becomes a bit easier as the vegetation gets trampled down. When something is finally a habit, there is a clear path and we easily walk there. Not only can we easily walk there, it is the easiest way across the field and the one we take without thinking about it.
Reversely, as soon as we stop walking down a particular pathway, the grass starts to grow. If we continue avoiding that pathway, i.e. not performing that action or that behavior, the grass eventually is high enough where there will be resistance again of walking there.
“People with good habits rarely need to resist the temptation to laze on the couch, order greasy takeout, procrastinate on assignments or watch one more viral video before dashing out the door. That’s because autopilot takes over, eliminating temptation from the equation. Having established good habits, little to no willpower is required to choose wisely.”
Author, speaker, and award-winning behavioral scientist Katy Milkman for CNN
Why 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail
Easy as it may be to think, a lack of discipline and willpower is not the main reason why we often give up on new habits, or have a hard time giving up on old habits. It is rather about not having a strong foundation, and making it too hard for ourselves. Common pitfalls include e.g.:
Not having a clear intention
Everyone else is meditating, I´ll start too
Trying to change multiple habits at once
I will quit smoking, start reading more books, and start biking to work
Choosing too big habit changes
I will go to the gym 5 times per week
Being too focused on the result
I will drop 20 pounds of weight
Being too vague
I will stop spending so much money on clothes
Not changing the surrounding environment
I will stop drinking but still go out with my friends every Friday and Saturday
There is also a common misconception that habits take 21 days to form. While some people may be able to create a new habit in just three weeks, research rather points to roughly two months as a more realistic time frame.
Teaching an old dog new tricks
Let’s go back to the example of the habit of brushing our teeth. For most people, the first 5 or so years in life, our parents physically do it for us as well as keep track that it needs to be done. Little by little, we are then encouraged to brush our own teeth, probably still being reminded by our parents, until eventually – POOF – we are both doing it on our own and remembering it on our own. A habit has been formed.
Here are some helpful habit building blocks based on books, science and research, and my own experiences. Rather than seeing these as a list to follow, I invite you to pick and choose which blocks to use that suit you, your situation, and the habit you want to create or break.
✤ Set a clear intention
Consider why you want to start your new habit. Be clear about the way it can have a positive impact on your life.
✤ Define it clearly
Instead of “spend more time with friends”, say “invite one friend for lunch every Saturday”
✤ Start small
Make it so easy you can´t not do it. If you want to start exercising, start with just one push-up a day!
✤ Create accountability
Let your friends and family know about your habit, or start/break a habit with someone. You can read about my run streak further down for some inspiration.
✤ Stack your habits
Link new habits on existing ones. The classic example is if you want to start flossing, always do it straight after brushing your teeth. Others talk about a cue-based plan to hang a habit on an existing one, e.g. “every day when I finish work, I will take a five minute walk outside”.
✤ Have patience
Depending on the habit you might not see immediate results. You might even feel worse during a period. Have patience and rest assured that over time, small changes add up.
✤ Reflect on your progress
I look at habit building as an active process. Evaluate how you are going, do you need to adjust up or down? Have you noticed any positive impact?
✤ Be consistent
Remember that every time you do your habit, you enforce the behavior, making it easier the next time. And everytime you skip, that grass on the path grows up a bit more, making it even harder next time.
✤ Help yourself
If you want to start meditating in the morning, put out your clothes to wear the day before, decide what to eat for breakfast, perhaps set your alarm 10 minutes earlier, put a sticky-note on the bathroom mirror that says “meditate”. Do anything to help yourself succeed with the new habit.
✤ Use tech as an assistant
Set alarms and reminders to help you. I have an alarm on my watch that buzzes three times per day to help me remember to take a couple of deep breaths.
✤ Change your surrounding environment
Think of how you can help yourself. If you want to stop eating candy, the habit starts in the store, not at home. If you want to save up money and have friends who enjoy shopping sprees or expensive travels, perhaps you need to change the people you hang out with.
✤ Be flexible
Don´t be rigid. If you miss your 7am meditation for some reason, just do a short meditation later in the day. The important thing is to keep your habit alive.
✤ Make it fun
If you want to start exercising but hate the gym – don´t go to the gym! Go to a zumba class, rock climbing, shoot some hoops, swimming, or whatever puts a smile on your face!
✤ Reward yourself
Don´t forget to celebrate your habits along the way. Be grateful and proud of what you are achieving, no matter how small it might feel. Remind yourself why you are doing it and try to see it as something you choose to do and want to do, instead of a burden. Look at what you are getting, not what you are giving up.
Now it’s your turn!
- Think of something in your life that you want to change and write it down, it can be on a high level
- Write down why
- Write down the smallest possible change you can imagine that takes you in the direction of the change you want to create
- Look at the building blocks above and create your habit plan
My own habit practices
I´ve got two habits that I am proud of succeeding to establish. The first one is a “run streak”, i.e. jogging at least 1 mile per day. As I am writing this, I am on day 317 of what started during a casual easy jog with a friend of mine where I told him about the concept, whereby he said “should we try?”. I´ve since run at least 1 mile every single day. Most runs are pretty unremarkable, but I’ve also run in a snow storm after a full day of downhill skiing. I´ve run at 11.30pm in jeans and a shirt downtown. I´ve run on the side of a highway in Germany.
Everyday, it is not about if I am running, it is about when.
The habit saves me all my decision making! Apart from starting small (1 mile takes me 8 or 9 minutes to run), the strongest building block for me has been accountability. My friend and I text each other every day and write “check” when we´ve done our 1 mile jog. If evening comes and one of us has not “checked”, the other one often writes and asks. My whole family is also on board with my habit, meaning I don´t get angry looks when I go out for my run right before dinner. My family is not only supporting my run streak habit, on occasion I even get questioned by my 6 year old son whether or not I´ve “checked” that day or not. My friend and I also catch up regularly to celebrate our run streak at our favorite Ramen-place, and evaluate how/if we want to continue.
The other habit I have tried but failed to build multiple times during the last 15 years, namely a daily meditation practice. My wife and I started meditating together (and yes, there is time for this even with three young children!), we actively prioritize this, as well as help each other find times for it. I also defined it very clearly. Previously, when I have not been able to keep up the habit over time, I‘ve said “I want to start meditating more”. Now, my habit is to meditate 20 minutes every morning and every evening. This is the foundation which I can then deviate from but I would say that I always get at least 10 minutes every morning and every evening.
You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine. -John C. Maxwell
You’ve now learned why many people fail to build new habits; that habits are our brains’ way of increasing its efficiency; that we can use habits to create change in our life; and how to set yourself up for success and have a much higher chance of building lasting habits.
Remember that you are in control. You have the power to change your habits. You always have a choice and your willpower is one of the strongest forces there is.
Do you have any stories about succeeding or failing to build habits? Have you used some of the practices above? I’d love to hear your thoughts – feel free to reach out at taino@tainobendz.com
What is the role of habits in creating change according to Duke University research?
